How 2020 changed me: a personal reflection
I started the year 2020 with new energy and hope — a little more than previous years. My major contract with a large tech startup was coming to an end, and instead of feeling lost, I felt super excited to explore new opportunities ahead of me. I had my new branding and website up, a few content strategy workshops with a client completed in February, and I had just given my first talk at the Design Leadership KL event in early March. I was also taking my last few courses in my Certificate of Problem Space Research by Indi Young, and there was just so much to look forward to in the year.
A few weeks later, you guessed it — altogether everyone: LOCKDOWN.
On 18th March 2020, the Malaysian government announced a lockdown that until today remains the most severe form of lockdown in Malaysia at least, where we were not even allowed to step out of the home for even exercise except for essential activities such as buying food or for medical reasons (as I write, we are under lockdown 2.0).
While I am grateful that my husband and I were spared from any Covid-19 infection throughout 2020 and that we always had food on the table, it was truly a challenging year especially mentally and emotionally. Not surprisingly, the isolation and not being able to gather with family, friends, and brothers and sisters-in-Christ affected me more than I thought it would. Like many others, I distracted myself with a lot of gardening, baking, reading, and cooking. I am in a better place now than a year ago, and I felt ready to share some lessons I learnt, a lot of which shook my own ideas of what was normal before.
Lesson #1: I can be happy even without a high-paying job
A few weeks into the lockdown, I began to feel very restless because of the isolation. A job opportunity came just before the lockdown and I took the hard-to-come-by opportunity right away. I was very unhappy at the job although I couldn’t quite explain why at first. I woke up dreading work every day and felt relieved on Friday evening. I shook in fear before going to bed on Sunday nights. I’ve never felt like this before in the past ten years of working.
I’ve always looked forward to working each day, whether it was a full-time job or freelance work. I really enjoyed working on my craft. After much contemplation in prayer and discussion with my husband, I left the job three months later as I finally discovered that the corporate world wasn’t a fit for me. I knew it was a risky decision because we were in the middle of a pandemic. But I just couldn’t stay.
It was the lowest point for me in 2020, as I felt like a failure for not being able to hold even a job properly. Some people, even strangers, have come up to me with encouraging words to move on and I’m forever grateful. Amazingly, I had never been happier in 2020 until I decided to resign and become an independent researcher/content strategist again. Yes, I knew the road ahead would be tougher with more competition in the freelancing market. But I was at peace finally, and for that, I am thankful. As I washed the dishes after deciding to resign, I smiled gratefully to myself, realising that a job shouldn’t define my happiness, my success, my status or my worth. It has been eight months now, and I still feel the same way, even though contract work has been slow.
Lesson #2: I develop greater empathy for people when I have gone through a rough patch myself
I was brought up to believe that you should never leave a job until you have stayed at the job for at least a year. It demonstrates resilience. Those who don’t are too weak, perhaps. Until I myself wanted to quit within two weeks, which was a first.
“Why was I becoming weak?” was a question that kept playing in my mind while I was struggling at work. I wasn’t sure which one was worst — realising I was the weak person who couldn’t keep a job, or recognising that my stereotype was unfounded.
During my rough patch, I cried, broke down and didn’t have appetite for meals. After I recovered, I began to develop a new sense of empathy for others who are going through anxiety and depression. I wouldn’t say my rough patch was depression because it went away within months, but I felt more empathetic towards those who are grieving and I learnt to listen better. I stopped trying to think of how to best advise someone while the person is pouring out their sorrows, but just focused on listening to them deeply. It made a lot of difference in how I cared for people.
Lesson #3: It is okay to be quiet about my career
I have been silent on LinkedIn, although many times, I felt pressured to write something because everyone is. It felt like everyone was progressing in their career except me.
I know this isn’t true. Even if it was true, I didn’t let it get to me. I took my time to find my footing in my career again, and started a small baking business on the side to occupy my time in between my client research and writing projects. Baking seems like anything but quiet, but that’s a lot of me-time when I am preparing the cake batter, waiting for the cake to bake, dishwashing and packaging. I used the time to listen to my audio Bible, useful podcasts, and classic hymns.
It’s not that posting on LinkedIn was wrong, but unfortunately, it wasn’t the most nourishing platform when one is going through a rough patch. I am more contented when I realised how much I actually have and when I stopped comparing myself with others.
2020 taught me so much… including how little I need to be truly joyful :)
